20 Questions

Nothing elicits questions from an almost four year old boy more than taking him on a field trip to the OB/GYN.

School is officially out for both me and him.  That means my carefree days of making a quick visit to the doctor before picking up the Boy are over.  Now, I must either arrange childcare or else let him tag along.  Today I picked the latter.

I did ask my doctor at my last visit what this visit would entail.  Basically, I was hoping not to hear the words "stirrups" or "internal."  I explained why I was asking and he assured me it was the standard weight-blood pressure-measure the belly-listen to the heartbeats-see you in two weeks type of appointment.  Seemed harmless enough.  

I mentioned to the Boy this morning that we would be going to see my doctor today and we would hear the babies.  

Question 1: "What will the babies say?"

Answer: "Nothing...we'll just hear their heartbeats."

Response: "That is not fun.  Maybe they will say, 'we need our diapers changed."

As we drove to the doctor's office I made note that it is located right next to the hospital and that when the babies are born he will come and visit us there.

Question 2: "How will the babies get out of you?"

GAH! I should have seen this coming at some point, but was caught off guard.  In an attempt to avoid discussing the options of c-sections vs. vaginal births I opted for the generic (though not entirely untrue) answer: "With special tools."

While I admire his persistence and curiosity in most situations, this was not one of them.  He continued to inquire, "What kind of special tools?"  I answered, "Special doctor tools."  He asked, "Are they like Handy Manny's tools?"  I saw this as my out and said, "well they don't talk...which of Handy Manny's tools do you like best?"

After a few minutes of discussing the perks of Dusty the Saw in comparison to the finer qualities of Turner the screwdriver he resumed his interrogation.  

Question 3: "Does it hurt to take the babies out?"

I wanted to answer, "Yes, it hurts like hell and after 18 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing to bring you into this world you should always treat me with the love and respect I deserve," but instead kept it simple with "I hope not."  Again, not a lie.

Luckily, the doctor's office is only eight minutes from home (of course I previously timed this since one of my many fears is not making it to the hospital in time for an epidural) and the questioning ceased.

Until...

I had forgotten about one important aspect of the standard OB visit...peeing in a cup.  The way I saw it I had three choices.  I could either ask a stranger to watch my child while I was in the bathroom, leave him standing alone outside or take him in with me. I figured the third option was the least likely to make the nearby medical professionals debate rather I should be allowed to leave the hospital in September with two more children so I took him in with me.

Since this was the one area of the appointment I hadn't prepped him for, the questions came fast and furious.  In the midst of answering the questions I tried to enforce the fact that we don't pee in cups at home and that I do not even want him to think about doing so.  I gave him the rundown on how they will put a stick in it, but thought it would be over his head to discuss 'protein in urine.'  I left it at, "test to make sure the pee is healthy."

Back in the exam room I was relieved to see that there was a bench in the changing area that housed a few books as well as a couple of toddler toys.  What I don't understand and am wishing I had noticed before the Boy did was the third item...the one he choose to play with.  While it is thoughtful of the staff to put out a basket of free condoms, tampons and other feminine hygiene product samples, it is not well thought out to place them next to the toys and books.  Did you know you can build a house out of condoms and that a tampon makes a very cool chimney?  Now you do.

Although I never need to wait long for the doctor the wait today felt especially long under the circumstances.  I told the Boy, "the doctor will be in any minute we just need to be patient."  The Boy was not phased by the delay and casually said, "Maybe he is still out in the woods looking for a good stick?"

HUH?

When asked to elaborate he said matter of factly, "A stick...to put in your pee to see if it is healthy."

Perhaps I need to buy a book on how to better handle such questions.  Or better yet, I think I'll investigate that childcare option for the next appointment.